CENTER FOR CHORAL DISEASE CONTROL: SPECIAL ALERTS

ALL POINTS BULLETIN: SPECIAL MULTIPLE ALERTS

LOCATION OF OUTBREAKS: DALLAS, TX

The American Association for Polyphony Elimination (AAPE) has ordered an international arrest warrant for MICHAEL WALDENBY, a Swedish composer whose work "Homini dies" is cited for breaking into an illegal musical form called a "fugue" during the ACDA 2013 National Conference in Dallas (accessory to this crime of polyphony is the University of Louisville Cardinal Singers directed by Kent Hatteberg). Waldenby has a long history of polyphonic contamination due to his studies as an organist in Sweden. He currently also leads the Stockholm domkyrkokor. Approach with caution: suspect should be considered L'Homme Armed and dangerous. He has been seen in possession of various deviant cantus firmi in unapproved modes as well as recognized as having contact with Renaissance contrapuntal demonic species.

MICHAEL WALDENBY

AAPE's subcommittee The League of Unapologetic Meandering Pandiatonicists (LUMP) has also ordered the arrest of JOSEP VILA I CASANA for his use of intentional, rather than unintentional (pandiatonic) arrival at polytonality in his work "Salve, Regina" also during the outbreak of violations in Dallas, TX. Casaña is also considered dangerous as he is armed with various cabalistic Guidonian Hand sliderule instruments of torture as well as various secret manuscripts by the French heretic Darius Milhaud. Again, the accessory to the crime is the University of Louisville Cardinal Singers directed by Kent Hatteberg.

JOSEP VILA I CASANA

AAPE's affiliated organization Ninths Shallrule Forever (NSF) has also ordered an investigation into the  entire works of BRIAN GALANTE for his failure to end his composition "Exultate" with the required ninth added to the major chord. The accessory to this failure is the Pacific Lutheran University Choir of the West directed by Richard Nance, once again during the scandalous ACDA event in Dallas, TX USA. Once Galante is apprehended NSF believes they can "convince" him to add the required major ninth to this ending as well as all other works in his catalog  and hope that this young man will be rehabilitated.

BRIAN GALANTE

AAPE's other affiliated organization  REALLY REALLY REALLY HOPEFUL yet AMORPHOUS MUSIC (RRR-HAM) has ordered an international arrest warrant for composer PAUL CAREY, who publicly stated during said Dallas, TX outbreak of mayhem that he could not possibly write any scores to such texts about music such as "I am the Music", or "We are the Music", or "You and I and that Sad-Looking Guy over there are the Music". Carey also disavowed any interest in setting texts such as "The Children are our Future so Hold Them Tight and Never Let Them Go even if they Finally Tell you it Hurts",  or even "Sing a Song for the Children, but don't take away their Nintendos if they don't Actually Listen to You", or "The Children are our Song,Yet  Hope for the Future is Actually Quite Dismal but we will Sort-of-mumble-sing about the Children Anyway". Carey is not considered dangerous, just delusional.

Paul Carey

Finally, AAPE continues its plea for cooperation in the discovery, arrest, and imprisonment of Public Enemy Number One, the heretic J.S. BACH who constantly goads AAPE with his gorilla guerilla attacks and who claims recently to have celebrated his 328th birthday. Obviously this is further proof of his unnatural sorcery. There are some rumors that he may have gone underground near this location in Germany.

The most recent brazen contrapuntal attack by Bach and his dastardly minions came in this recent internet post of something called a crab canon (obviously Bach's so-called art is naturally drawn to associate with lower forms of life such as mindless crustaceans):

 

Kurt Knecht's How to Sing in Ten Easy Steps

I kind of stumbled upon a really funny post by Kurt Knecht today (I didn't know Kurt was blogging). Silly me for not keeping track of everything happening in Nebraska (oh settle down Nebraska- I'm messin' witchoo)! It really resonated with me since I was a choral accompanist for 14 years before I ever directed a choir. This is really fun tongue-in-cheek (or is it diaphragm-in-THE MASK?) stuff. Kurt says he doesn't mind that I repost the whole thing here (well at least it is in the special WarrenBuffettNebraska font italics). Check out some of Kurt's other blog posts- many are very funny and display a highly educated, sharp and slightly off-center wit- my kind of stuff!

And parenthetically, here is a link to a blog post of mine from awhile back if you want further amazing singing advice:

http://paulcarey440.blogspot.com/search/label/free%20voice%20lessons




http://kurtknecht.blogspot.com

I'm not a lawyer, but I have watched a lot of Law and Order, so I feel some amount of confidence in my courtroom expertise. In a similar way, I'm not a vocal teacher, but I have spent the last 25 years playing for hundreds of voice teachers and choir directors. Some of them are famous in their field. Most are not.  Since I have a compendium of knowledge that would be tragic if lost, I have distilled my years of experience into 10 easy steps which any singer can follow.  Since many vocal teachers can be confusing (phonascus obscurum syndrome), I have added some clarifying comments.

1. Breathe in the shape of the vowel. Since there are about 19 different vowel sounds in English alone, you have lot of breathing to learn. Once you master the English vowels, you can progress to der Umlaut breathing exercises.

2. When you sing, drop your jaw North and South, not East and West. North North East by South South West is also acceptable. When you press into the NorthEast and SouthWest jaw dropping, you are approaching the danger area, and East North East and West South West are right out. Obviously, if you live in the Southern Hemisphere, everything needs to be inverted, so drop your jaw South and North.

3. When you sing, think of the vowel as a circle of sound. After you can imagine the circle, imagine the vowel as a trapezoid of sound and then a rhombus. Finally, imagine the vowel as a triangle with angles of 92, 68, and 20 degrees.

4. For an open throat, imagine the beginning of a yawn with a softball sized scoop of canard à l'Orange with pomme de terre and arugula salad in the back of your mouth.

5.  Keep the tone forward in the mask of the face..but not too far forward and not too high or low in the mask. Once the tone starts slipping into the side of the mask, you are in deep trouble. If you find yourself in this situation, it's best to begin by placing the tone in the left eye. From there, progress to the left ear and gradually work your way around the back of the head and then move back around to the center.

6. When you sing with your whole body, the sound will seem to come from the depths of your soul. At first, it may be difficult to sense where your soul is located, but as your singing develops, you will begin to feel a sensation roughly between the kidneys and the adrenal glands. That's where your soul is. As you mature, you will be able to use not only the depths of your soul but you will also have access to the shallow end and wading pool.

7. When you sing, think of your body as a tree. Your head is a branch with new leaves and a birds nest. Your body is the trunk with initials carved in the trunk inside a heart shape. Your feet are the roots which a small dog is using...actually, I don't think I've ever understood this one.

8. Breathe from your diaphragm. Since it isn't really possible to breathe without your diaphragm, I also encourage the use of lungs. Some teachers prefer to use clearer imagery for the instruction of breathing like "breathe from the abdominal muscles", or "breathe from your pelvic muscles." I was surprised to learn that most people in the medical profession are simply unaware of the role of the pelvic muscles in the breathing mechanism. 

9. Once you have mastered singing with proper pressure from your abdomen, imagining a large enough object in your mouth, centering the tone placement, and dropping your jaw, add vibrato. Now take it away.  Now try things in different combinations. Vibrato, a small live bird in your mouth, jaw East by Northeast, breathing with diaphragm and pelvic muscles but not abdomen. The possibilities are endlessly fun.

10. Sing in tune.

Here is the REAL Mask- and now all of you who didn't quite get all that there voice studio jargon until just this very moment ("light bulb" in Steve Carrell's character voice from Despicable Me), you can each send me one dollar:

And here is some more great input on how to get your whole body and mechanism to get those soundwaves into motion- these sounds can't be produced by amateurs: